I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
