walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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