Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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