Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
