Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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