I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
