Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
