i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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