I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
