Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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