I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
