my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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