I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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