I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
