I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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