My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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