He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
