one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
