what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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