nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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