I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
