I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
