You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
