I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
