dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
