It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
