Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
