If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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