So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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