when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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