when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
