im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
