i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
