What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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