I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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