the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
