I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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