Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
