So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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