I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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