Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
