so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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