Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
well you can't waste a boner
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
