Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
