alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
