Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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