I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
