Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
