Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
