So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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