i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
