Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
