I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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