we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
