Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
