Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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