the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
