My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
