Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
