I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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