I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
