Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
